Child Abuse "Survivor" vs Child Abuse "Thriver"

When I am asked why I didn't refer to myself as a "survivor" in my book SPIRIT UNBROKEN which is about my own abusive childhood, the answer came easily to me. I believe that saying you are a "survivor" of any test or challenge in life is indicative that you are still living in its shadow. In addition, someone might even be using "survivor-ship" from the test/challenge as an excuse for his/her present life's situations and behavior. I see it over and over and it saddens me. From the moment our individual tests and challenges cease...and they always do or we no longer inhabit God's earth, we are not "survivors' but rather "livers." We might view our new life by being stronger, wiser, and more complete in our journey of perfecting ourselves here on Earth.

If you have been through something negative...be it a life threatening illness or challenge for yourself or family member, possible marital disillusionment, hurt, and betrayal... that might ultimately lead to a divorce, a deployment in one of America's Wars... that follows with a physical or emotional challenge, a loveless childhood/adulthood... that is riddled by abuse...when it ends, and it will, you must resume living with a renewed vigor. To claim you have "survived" something is indication that the test/challenge still is very much present in your head and heart. It's all in positive attitude and the honest acceptance that Life, as given, is not supposed to be easy. We "survive" only that we may live. Sue

WE are who we Choose to become!

In both directions of inheritance good traits/habits vs. bad traits/habits, it is easy to believe we are going to be just like our parents! Afterall, both sets of genes have entered our bodies, so it seems logical. That's where Humans are superior to other mammals. That's pretty cool.

Although we might physically resemble one parent or another, our lives are ours alone and we have the ability to make of them what we choose. If we don't like a trait that was genetically "given" to us, and the list is very lengthy, we have the abilities not to become that ourselves. NO, IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY, BUT IT'S POSSIBLE. We alone are the "nurturer" of our existence.

If our parents abuse controlled substances in any fashion, we do not have to follow suit. If they always over-eat and never exercise, we can set the new norm for the family by eating healthy and exercising daily. If we were constantly put down and verbally abused as children...it is important that it stop with us. We do not do it with our own children! How liberating and healing it is to realize our life is more of our own choices and very little of genetics.

However, all people have good characteristics... even the ones who struggle with their own positive choices. Find those good characteristics within yourself, that you inherited from those "genes" and nurture them. The negative gene characteristics... we all need to let them go.

SPIRIT UNBROKEN by Sue Brown: Living Life to the Fullest. It's Good!

SPIRIT UNBROKEN by Sue Brown: Living Life to the Fullest. It's Good!: We live in a world of constant and often frightening change and never know of our tomorrow (s). I often ask myself … what will tomorrow ...

SPIRIT UNBROKEN by Sue Brown: We Alone Are Responsible for Our Lives

SPIRIT UNBROKEN by Sue Brown: We Alone Are Responsible for Our Lives: It is so easy in life to forget that we are responsible for our own success, happiness, and inner-peace. It is often easier to blame others ...

Lucky 13... Forgive and Forget!

This year, the 13th year of the century... as well as the Millenium... is a special year. We each get the opportunity to start over and make life more meaningful not only for ourselves, but for others. Often, starting over means "forgiving." Sometimes, it even means "forgetting." Here's to our individual efforts to do a better job at both.

Forgiving someone who has wronged us is not so easy. However, it is ultimately healing and the only way to move on from the hurt or injustice that has been done to us.

This goes for any type of injustice we have incurred: physical, emotional,or verbal. I am convinced of that fact; I also practice it. We are always hurt, but it need not prevail in our current lives.

If we dwell on what has been done “to us” rather than what we “do for ourselves” we are powerless and don’t heal from the inside out. Rather, we are merely putting a scab on a wound that might at any time be ripped open. This is not in any way suggesting that we continue to keep the offender(s) in our day to day life, but rather distance ourselves with a quiet dignity.

If it is meant to be, in time...a relationship might take place, but only if the "offender" has been rehabilitated. Again, this goes for all types of abuse and all personal injuries that are done "to" us.

BUT... I can not say it often enough:
WE ARE NOT PRODUCTS OF WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO US…RATHER WE ARE PRODUCTS OF WHAT WE HAVE CHOSEN TO DO FOR OURSELVES.

God is merciful; let us practice that as well. Sue

The Grace of Christmas "Giving!"

Last year, this particular piece was read by thousands of readers. It was published a few weeks before Christmas. The emails received were so heartfelt and touching. It seems that we get caught up so often in the dynamics of everyday living; we forget that the simplest gifts, during the holiday season, are the ones most appreciated/ remembered by others. This year, in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, (or our individual Life disasters), this particular memory of my years in the classroom seem extremely relevent.

I grew up in New York and taught high school/college for the majority of my career in New Jersey. This geographic area, I believe, helped mold me. I speak softly, but carry a very big stick. Hurting others is never ok, but giving of oneself , even if it’s done with NY/NJ attitude… is the norm. There have been many requests to “repost” this particular Blog. As we leap full force into the holiday preparations and festivities, let us all strive to love and do unto others in thought, word, and deed… not just in physical gifts.

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Christmas is for love. It is for joy, for giving and sharing, for laughter, for reuniting with family and friends, for tinsel and brightly decorated packages. But mostly, Christmas is for love. I lose sight of this, sometimes. A few years ago, one of my students… a student with wide, innocent eyes and a soft, gentle laugh gave me a wondrous gift for Christmas. Mark (I will call him that) was a fourteen year old student who lived with his aunt, a very bitter, middle aged woman, greatly annoyed with the burden of caring for her dead sister’s son. She never failed to remind Mark, if it hadn’t been for her generosity, he would be homeless . Still, with all the scolding and chilliness at home, he was a sweet and gentle young man.

I had not paid any singular attention to Mark, until he began staying after class each day (at the risk of arousing his aunt’s anger, I later found out) to help me straighten up the room. We did this quietly and comfortably, not speaking much, but enjoying the solitude of that hour of the day. When we did talk, Mark spoke to me mostly of his mother. Though he had been quite young when she died, he remembered a kind, gentle, loving woman, who always spent much time with him.

As Christmas drew near however, Mark failed to stay after school with me. It was clear to me that I had looked forward to his coming after school. When many days passed and he still continued to leave hurriedly from the room, at the end of class, I stopped him in the hall one afternoon. I merely asked him why he no longer helped me in the classroom.

I told him how I had missed him, and his large, brown eyes lit up eagerly as he replied, “Did you really miss me?” I explained that he had been my best helper.. .ever. “I am making you a surprise,” he whispered confidentially. “It’s for Christmas.” With that, he became embarrassed and dashed from my classroom door. He didn’t stay after school any more after that… continuing to rush out of my room, each time we had class.

Finally, came the last school day before Christmas Vacation. Mark crept slowly into the room late that afternoon, after the buses had already left. He had his hands concealing something behind his back. “I have your present,” he said shyly… when I looked up. “I hope you like it.” He held out his hands and there lying in his large palms was a tiny, wooden box. “It’s beautiful, Mark. Is there something in it?” I asked opening the top to look inside. “

“Oh, you can’t see what’s in it,” he replied, “and you can’t touch it, or taste it, or feel it, but it will make you feel good all the time. It makes you safe, ’cause you said you live all alone and I worry about you.”

I gazed into the empty box. “What is it, Mark,” I asked gently, “that will make me feel so good?” “It’s love,” he whispered softly, “and my mother always said it’s best when you give it away.” He turned and quietly left my room.

So, now I keep a small box that is crudely made of scraps of wood on the mantle in my living room and only smile as inquiring friends raise quizzical eyebrows when I explain to them that there is love in it. Yes, Christmas is for celebration, parties, and laughter. It’s also for wondrous gifts.

But mostly, Christmas is for love. Thank you, Mark; I have never forgotten you.

Challenges that Change Us!

In life, we can not control what is done to us, but we always have a choice in how we react to those tests and challenges.

Choice is what separates humans from other mammals. Even if we fail with one test or challenge…a new one will come along in which we get to choose all over again. Perhaps, it is so we finally get it correct. Life, as given, isn’t always easy; it’s not supposed to be.Often, we do not especially like the choices as they are presented to us and sometimes they are even unfair…but they are choices nonetheless. It is empowering to know we have that ability. With each and every positive choice we make for ourselves and towards others we give ourselves integrity and honor. We further define who we are as Human Beings. Think of this in even greater terms.

All of us lost something this year. Unfortunately, so many lost employment, homes, and suffered financially in some way. It will be a time of recovery and plentiful new opportunities. Some of us lost our way in relationships, either at work or at home. It will be a period of reconciliation and hopefully, forgiveness.

And a few of us might even have slipped into areas of human weaknesses and perhaps hurt those we love most. Now, it will be a journey of great personal strength and courage moving forward in a healthy and positive way. Difficult situations in our own lives give us the opportunity to become not only stronger within ourselves, but more compassionate towards others, as well.

May we all use these lessons to improve who we are while here on Earth. Sue